Shattered

Two years ago something inside of me shattered. This was a piece of me that resided in my very core. When it exploded, it cut every fiber of my being like shrapnel and sprayed outward …. to my family, my relationships, my life and my world. This was a part of me gone – a part of my foundation that was always nurturing, safe, loving, kind, happy, serene. That foundation being there was a constant I had my entire life; from my first breath and it was just gone. Two years ago on March 5th at 4p.m., my husband called me and I knew something was wrong. I knew it was bad. I said, “just say it Chris”. And then he said words that I will never forget. He said, “Becky, your mom died”. Those words are words that could never be taken back. They still take my breath away today. It reminds me of a friend who used to describe her life as before Aaron and after Aaron (her son). I didn’t understand it then but I understand it now. There is life with mom and after mom. There are family dynamics and feelings and thoughts and learning with mom and after mom. There is a me with mom and after mom. I don’t always like me after mom – I’m more emotional, sometimes quicker to anger. I am often tired and disconnected – some days I don’t know what to do because there is a piece missing – the piece that held it all together. In other ways, I can’t believe I have made it at all without her – you find out how strong you are when you have no other way to be. Sometimes I am more loving, more understanding, more giving. I want to make her proud; I want to represent her legacy in a positive way. I want to show her how her strong influence helped make me strong. But more than anything, I want her back. I love you mom. I think about you every day. I miss you every day. Thank you for who you were and who you helped me become.
Deliberation-by-Mario-Sanchez-Nevado
Image: Deliberation by Mario Sanchez

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s